Author: cansel

One Year Later…

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A year ago today I said “good-bye” to my mother. At first, I felt like it was not real, like I was walking around in an alternate universe. I felt the pain, but I kept it pushed down. For a few months I thought I had it all under control. That is until I realized that I was sleeping more than normal, and that is saying a lot for me. I would wake up after 10 hours of sleep, have my coffee and be ready to nap. Naps were usually three to five hours long, and I would be ready for bed before 10:00 pm. I started noticing how easily I was crying. Continue reading →

Breaking the mould…

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Today my sister helped me with a difficult and emotionally charged task. Today I let go of a lot of Facebook ‘friends’ that were not actually “friends”. As hard as it was for me to let go of some of these people, some I have actually been following for 13 years or more, it was necessary. Facebook should be about being connected to people you care about and really have some sort of connection with. Yes, there are still a few I have not actually met, but we chat, and have become friends. The others, I can follow on Instagram and Twitter, if I so choose.

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There is no growth without change…

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I signed up to be part of this nationwide women’s dietary study, and all of that starts for me on Monday. I did this because I know I need to make changes in order to get healthier, and accountability might help me stick with it. I also know that for at least the first couple of weeks, I will want to quit. I am not looking forward to the next couple of weeks, I dread them. However, I do look forward to them happening and getting through it. I just have to stay strong…something I do not have a good track record for doing. Continue reading →

Living with my new normal…

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I said “goodbye” to my mom on Mother’s Day. I was in Venice, hours away from being able to reach her when I received the news that she had “48 hours” to live. Here is where I have never been so grateful for modern technology. I was able to FaceTime with her, able to tell her how much I loved her, and how I didn’t want her to be in pain any longer. Even though she was somewhat out of it, she looked at the phone, and I knew she knew it was me. I know she heard me. I told her I was going to be getting on the next plane I could, but that I did not want her to wait for me. I told her I knew she loved me, and that she would always be with me. It broke my heart to hang up, knowing I would probably never see her smile again.  Continue reading →

Sometimes when you’re in a dark place…

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Do you ever play the ‘what if’ game? I did that for many years, and I reached a point, not too long ago, where I let many of my what ifs go. I talk about moving on and moving forward, but looking back, talk is about the only thing that has happened. Okay, that is not entirely true, I have made some progress…I have let go of the constant thought that I still needed to get a college degree. It was something I believed was going to happen since I was six years old, but it has not and that is okay. I have let go of the believe that I should be living in a big city, and in all honesty, I am now okay with that as well. Continue reading →

FOMO…the struggle is real

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FOMO, or Fear of Missing Out, is powerful, and something I had no idea about, until recently. I am unsure if this has been a term that has been out there for a long time and I am just late to the party, or if this is a relatively new discovery; whichever it is, it is a strong reality for me. I have suffered with this for as long as I can remember, I just did not have a name for it. Continue reading →

There are no words…

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that can truly express how much I love my husband!

Today, as I looked out the window while hanging up clothes, I noticed my husband doing ‘manly‘ things. He was putting a tire on his truck. As I watched, my heart swelled with such love for him. He is one of the greatest men I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. He is loving, kind, generous (most days), and he loves me. I have never, ever questioned that. Continue reading →

A piece to the puzzle…

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I have had a deep seeded faith in G-d my entire life. I was raised Catholic, until I was nine years old, when my mother got ‘saved‘ in a little assembly of G-d church, and moved me to a new denomination. I always felt that the ritualism of the Catholic church suited me more than the loud chaos of the ASG and Pentecostal churches we were a part of there after. I always felt like a square peg in a round hole. Continue reading →