There are times, when I look in the mirror, that I do not recognize myself. There is a picture in my mind, and it doesn’t always match reality. Time seems to pass at lightening speed; I mean, didn’t we just celebrated Christmas a week or so ago? Look at the calendar, June is half way over*!
Once I was out of school, I started noticing that I was finding more and more people I connected with, but I was still rather shy and awkward**. Now, although I am still awkward with people I do not know, I find that I am at a place in my life where I just do not need someone else’s approval. I believe what I believe, and I respect other’s rights to do the same. However, I have also found that my political views are very different from when I was twenty-something, as are many of my likes and dislikes. For example, as a teenager, I loved to shop, for that matter, I loved to shop until I hit my late twenties. Now, it is a rare occasion when I want to go shopping.
The change that I am finding the most difficult to grasp is my attitude towards eating and, for that matter, cooking. I remember having a few friends who rarely thought about food, would forget to eat, or just would lose interest in what they were eating. I always assumed that these people were broken, or crazy. Now, it would appear that I am becoming one of those people. I do realize that some of this is due to my surgery, but it has been 5 years now; up until this last year, I was still enthralled with watching the Food Network, cooking competitions, reading all the latest cookbooks, etc. I knew all the chefs, all the shows, and enjoyed trying a variety of different recipes. This is no longer the case.
I now get busy and completely forget to eat, sometimes until dinner. I’ve lost interest in cooking anything new, and many days, I’d rather not even bother. I realize that this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it just seems so odd to me. Who am I? Where did my former foodie self go? When did stopping to eat become so annoying to me? Does this mean that I’m going to become one of those people I look at and picture them in a straight jacket because they enjoy working out and/or running? :GASP:
I suppose that one explanation could be that just like your ears and nose continue growing all of your life, you never stop evolving, or at least you shouldn’t. As a child/young adult, many of your opinions are ones you are basically copying your parents/close family member and/or close friends on. As you mature, you learn and observe things for yourself; hear other people’s points of view, and then draw your own conclusions. Sometimes you may be surprised that you didn’t actually feel the way you thought you did for the majority of your life.
So maybe it isn’t that I am losing myself as much as it is that I am finally finding myself and figuring out just who I was meant to be.