These are the moments….

I could not ask for more

I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching lately, with this all important milestone of a birthday rapidly approaching, I’ve been reevaluating goals, lifestyle choices, and what I want to do with my life. I have been trying to let go of plans I made when I was in Junior High, when you have lofty goals, and high expectations for yourself. Hoping that I can come up with some new ones that are more based in reality than wishful thinking.

Over the years, there would be  times when I would feel sorry for myself. I wanted to be angry, but the only person I could be angry with was me. I didn’t accomplish those goals because of choices I made, and it doesn’t matter how many times I tell myself ‘If I’d only known…’ because, let’s face it, even if I went and told my 12 year-old self what was going to happen, it isn’t like I would have listened. It was during one of these pity parties that I had one of those things that Oprah calls an Aha Moment – now to explain this, I need to give a little background information. One of the things that I really like about myself, is that I try to look at the big picture. I try (not at 100%) to look at the ’cause and effects’ of my actions will be. When I step back and look at the ripple effects of my life, my choices, good/bad or otherwise, didn’t just effect me, but several other people. I mentally drew out a diagram of the lives that would look different had my life gone the way I had originally planned. It is kind of mind blowing. I mean, stop and think about the people you’ve introduced who are now together, or the children you may have brought into the world. I wouldn’t have many of these people in my life. There would be no Pumpkin, or Munchkin. Which means no Sweet Pea, no Pudding Pop, or Cupcake. I may or may not have some of the friendships I have now, and I might not have Jason. The thought of those losses, was painful enough to take my breath away.

So, even if I could go back and educate myself on how to avoid some of the pain I’ve gone through, I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t change one twist in the road, one heartache, or class I took in school. My life has not been perfect, and it definitely isn’t what I had imagined, but it is good. I have an amazing life, filled with love and laughter. Sure there are still moments that I where I feel like I could take a mulligan, but I am so very thankful that I have this life, because I am truly blessed.

Not 50

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