There are no words…

I haven’t posted in a very long time. Our house was being worked on, we were dealing with stuff and to top it off, six months ago, today, we lost our little guy, Chaucer. No one could have prepared us for the gut wrenching pain we went through. Nothing has ever hurt like this. For 36 hours I was either drinking or already really drunk, but I did that on purpose. The first night, Jason and I sat down with a brand new bottle of Salted Caramel Crown and we drank the entire thing. I told him then that I had no intentions of being sober for 36-48 hours. I promised myself I would ‘sit’ with my emotions then, and that is what I did.

For the first three or four days I walked through a haze. We went to the gym, I functioned on autopilot, but the pain just held on so tightly, I was unsure I would ever be the same. About the fourth night, I had a vivid dream. Chaucer came running into the bedroom, but he looked more like Marmaduke than himself. He came over to myside of the bed and I just held him and said “so that’s how you saw yourself…?” The next morning, the haze was gone, but the pain was still so strong. Many nights I would dream of him, or I would feel him walk across my legs. Several times I felt him curl up against my side and twice I reached up and felt his fur.

We’ve gone through many, painful firsts. First road trip without him, first time driving by the vet’s where I watched him breathe his last breath in my arms, held up by my husband’s trembling yet strong arms, and many others. Coming home still hurts, because he isn’t there to greet us. Coming down the stairs in the morning and not having him there to do his morning dance for me, the one he would do to show how happy he was to see me up and about. So many moments, so many memories. I still see him, sometimes, when I look in certain areas, or I’ll catch movement out of the corner of my eye and think it is him.

Now, many of you may not understand, tell me he was only a dog, but you would be mistaken. He was so much more than that to us. He was the love of our lives, he was our fur baby, he was our constant companion. Also, I spent the better part of the last 9 1/2 years of his life with him 24/7. He was a part of my day, where I went, he was not far.

Now that he is gone, I am a bit lost. I keep myself busy with things, trying to preoccupy my mind. The pain isn’t out in the open anymore, but it isn’t far from the surface. I still cry easily, just thinking about him. There are things of his that I have not been able to let go of, and while cleaning our bedroom today, I found his original chew toy.

There are no words that can make this better. I still get sad on Tuesdays and the 19th of any month, but I’m no longer counting the weeks. I’ve stopped telling him “we’ll be back soon, boo” every time we leave, now it just happens occasionally. I talk to the sweet Yorkie angel my husband got to put his ashes in, and sometimes I say hello to him when I look at his pictures.

It still hurts, some days more than others, and the thought of getting another fur baby turns my stomach. I realize that it won’t be this bad with another pet, because I will never have that type of a bond again, but for now I just cannot even think about it.

We were blessed in that several of our friends gave us wonderful little mementos to help, and Jason and I both got tattoos of his pawprint, and oddly enough, looking at these things gives me a bit of peace, somehow making me feel like he is still around. Jason and I have been able to take comfort in each other. Both of us know exactly how the other is feeling, and that helps.

I do not know when I’ll have the words to post about anything else. I have to get past the pain; to get to a place where I can just let the words flow again without fear of what I might feel. However, from what I’ve gathered, I should be able to get there before too long. I know that the pain will always be with me, but I also know that in time it will just be a part of me and no longer trying to consume me.

Thank you for your patience and your understanding…

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